I think somewhere during the last year I lost my confidence. I am slowly regaining traction. Getting up and putting myself out there is one of my main goals for this year. I refuse to let myself a person that gives up and shuts down. That just isn't me. I have noticed that I stopped posting. Yeah, I could say that I have been busy. Which has been true. I am still adjusting to this whole being a mom of a school age kid thing. But when I look at myself deep down, I know why I quit. Most of it has to do with fear.
Most of the time I write for myself. This is a way to get everything out of my head. Yes I could keep a journal, I have in the past. I have noticed that when I keep a journal I tend to only write in it when I was mad or upset. I guess with a blog I have some sort of accountability to not get online and spew a bunch of negativity or hatred.
So back to the writing for myself. I had someone mention my blog to me in a conversation, and then I went "holy crap other people read my stuff?" And to a small extent I knew that people did and could. I mean it is on the internet for the entire world to peruse and critique. The critique part threw me off. You would be surprised how many comments I get from people who say they are "supportive" or the backhanded comments. I've heard about blogging not being a "real job" (not that I get paid) and I have heard "Oh why don't you go put that on your blog". So I think to some extent I just stopped writing so I would stop hearing about it. I never thought of myself as someone who would back down but I do know that sometimes it's easier to relent and have everyone stop bothering you about it than dealing with it. That was part of my problem. I did mention before that I am pretty Non-confrontational right? I'm not looking to be the World's Best Writer or Mrs. Blogwriter USA. I'm really just a chick with a blank canvas in which to express myself. But still the thought of getting hate mail or being judged because I write has taken me a few steps back.
But it isn't how many times you get knocked back, it's how many times you just keep pushing forward. So with that expect more wordiness coming your way from yours truly!