What Do I Do Now?

Both of my lovelies are asleep already.  The house is quiet and once again I am left with one of those quiet contemplate-able (<--spell checker just told me thats not a word) moments.  So what am I doing with my free time?

Sitting here.

I would be all about the thinking except that the cold medicine I am currently on seems to be turning my brain to mush.  I feel better today than I did yesterday and I felt better yesterday than I did on Tuesday.  Everything in my head was swollen on Tuesday and I didn't feel like doing much of anything.  I still did the usual Laundry and Dishes routine.  But I was a mess.  At first I was convinced that it was allergies but since it has gotten worse and everyone in the house seems to have it, I am going with cold.  Colds in the Summer suck!  Not like they are a picnic during any other season but it's more comforting drinking hot tea when it's not in the 90's outside.

It has seemed to knock poor Hubby out too.  He was up in the early hours this morning because the cold had woken him up so tonight he headed to bed at 8!  Clover was in bed at 9 which is late for her but she had a nap in the car (the ONLY place she naps) on the way home from the splash park today.  She is a bit sniffly but doesn't seem to be as bad as Hubby and I.  The rest will do them both some good.

Since Hubby is out in dreamland that frees up the airwaves in the house so I can listen to whatever I want.  I don't really feel like listening to anything though.  It's on as background noise for now.  That and the drippy bathtub which I should really get fixed.

So I could go and clean something although I don't want to make too much noise, and I'm tired so I don't really feel like cleaning although it might be easier without someone walking behind you messing it up again.  I could browse the internet although when I do that I just find projects I want to add on the never ending list!  Speaking of the list, I knocked off some projects while Hubby was out of town the other day.  When he is gone I get restless...so I craft.  Some projects came out of no where and turned out great and some didn't turn out so I scrapped them.

This is what my kitchen counter looked like.

I don't know why he hasn't left me either?

I know you all feel bad for my poor Hubby now huh?  I had every intention of cleaning it all up before he got home but I just didn't get to it.  Part of it was that I was in the zone and the other part was that I was to sick to care.  

I was amazed that he didn't say anything when he got home.  I think he realized that it's just better not to hassle me while I'm in the zone.  Kind of like how you shouldn't take a bone from a dog.  I think he might have been afraid that I was going to bite him.  

Still sitting here.  The cursor blinking at me.  I think that it would probably be a good idea to call it a night and get some shut eye.  Or possibly browse the web some more.  Who knows.    

        

The Place You Thought Of As Home

I've been reading Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson.  If you aren't offended by anything on her blog then you will love this book.  I will admit that I did take the jacket cover off to read it in front of my mom.  I love it!  There are so many moments where I am caught in a guffaw.  My husband looks at me like I'm nuts and my mom kept asking me what was so funny.  All I can answer with is "uuuhhh".  Not that my mom isn't hip or with it...I just think that she might not find the stories involving cow vaginas all that funny.

I haven't found the time to make it all the way through the book but I am making as big of a dent as much as I can.  Although there are a ton of funny moments there are some moments where it gets a bit serious.  It balances out nicely.

I found myself connecting with a certain section of the book where Jenny talks about going home as an adult.  Going home only to find that place wasn't the same anymore.  Although she wanted it to change, when it did, it wasn't what she wanted.  Not only did I fully understand what she was talking about, I got it.  I found that part hitting a little close to home.

I lived a moment very similar to that.  Where I realized that a place I called home, was no longer what I remembered.

My parents wanted me to come out to my Grandparents property and help clean up some stuff.  Being about six month pregnant at the time I couldn't do very much except drive which was what they wanted anyways since I had an Element I had the biggest car.  I didn't want to go.  I knew I didn't want to go but for the sake of being a team player I went.  I spent a lot of the time sitting on my tailgate staring.

My Grandparents had a piece of property in one of those "blink and you'll miss it" kind of towns.  It had a school and a fruit stand and a restaurant that got reincarnated every time it caught on fire.

When I was little no matter where we lived it always seemed like there was five of us and one bathroom.  So if the offer was thrown down to go out in the country where there was space, I didn't hesitate.  My Grandparents house was one of my favorite places as a kid.

There was space.  It always seemed like there was plenty of time, but at the same time the weekend always went by way to fast.  This place that I remember in my head is where I am transported too when I smell Oak trees.  My parents were married under one of the towering Oaks.  I always felt connected to it even as a kid because in my mind had they not gotten married under that tree there would be no me.  It was that little kid reasoning that made sense at the time.  Along with time and space there was independence.  Left to our own devices there was a million things to do.

At the time I never realized that our family didn't have a lot of money.  We always felt spoiled when we went to my Grandmothers.  She made us home made french fries from real potatoes and always had those hot dogs that had the cheese in the middle.  She made home made pies and fresh apple butter.  We always thought we were helping when we would pit cherries but I think in the end we ate more than our fair share.  I find myself repeating to my daughter that if eats too much fruit she's going to get sick but I think that was Grandma's way of keeping us out of the pie fodder.

She always seemed to keep busy while we played and explored.  I have to wonder if she was amazed that we made it back in the house every night.  We pushed each other on bikes, rode scooters and played with bones of old go carts.  The monkey bars were used as dare devices to see who would jump off the top.  We played as a group with our cousins or broke off and explored on our own.  One day I decided that I was going to mash up all the acorns I could gather.  I spent time fashioning a home made mortar and pestle out of rocks and went to work.  I mashed up all the acorns I could find and took a bite.  It was gross.  I guess I skipped that part in American History where they discussed leaching the acorns.  In my kid mind I couldn't give up what had seemed like hours of work.  I decided that sugar was my only option.  So in the house I went and out I came with a cup full of sugar.  I added and mashed some more and then decided to ask for help.  Grandma helped fill in the blanks.  She was the smartest person I knew.

Looking back I'm amazed that we made it back in the house every night.  It wasn't just the property that seemed spacious it was the house too.  The house wasn't huge but it was way bigger than anything I had ever been in.  It had two bathrooms and a closet that was big enough to play hide and seek in.  Not to mention a huge bathtub.  For half of my childhood our one tiny bathroom only housed a shower.  I would try to plug the drain with a wash rag and pretend that the two inches of water was a tub.  When I was at Grandmas I didn't have to pretend I was in the tub.  I pretended it was a swimming pool.  And to the younger me...it was.

When we would play hide and seek I would always hide under my Grandmother's quilting loom which was almost always out and displaying her latest work in progress.  She hand made everything from dolls to bed quilts.  It's where I get my love of crafting from.  I have one blanket that she made for me and it's in dire need of repair.  One day I hope to know enough about quilting to fix it.  For now it sits as one of the many reminders of how much she loved me.  It's one of the many reminders of how much I loved that place.  That place that only exists as a memory now.  I wish that when I was younger I would have taken more picture.  Not that I had access to a camera back then.  When you are young you never in a million years think that a place you love so much might cease to exist.

And there I was sitting on the back of my tail gate coming to terms with that fact.  Things had happened and the property was in disarray.  The house had been torn down with the excuse that eventually a new road was coming through.  I knew in my head that all this had happened.  I couldn't bring myself to see it.  Even when we drove on the main road I couldn't look down the side street.  I wasn't ready to let go.  So when I found myself there on that chilly afternoon all I could do was stare.  I had my hand on my stomach  while my baby girl kicked me from the inside and I was even more saddened by the fact that she would never know this place.  Even if I cherry picked the happy memories and let go of everything else.  She would never know the Oak tree.  At the time I excused it as pregnancy hormones.  I couldn't let myself accept what I was feeling.  My husband came by and held my hand.  There was no way I could describe to him what I was experiencing.  I think he understood.  He didn't say much.  He just held my hand and stared out the back with me.

So when Jenny described what it was like for her to lose that place, even if it was just a fictional place, it clicked.  I understood that I was in mourning.  Now that I get that, I can work on getting over the loss of the place I thought of as home.    

Too Quiet

It's quiet around here.  Not just decibel wise but chatter wise as well.  This has left my mind to wonder.  Sometimes I have those moments where my thoughts get all jumbled together and somehow they make sense.  Kind of like a connect the dots picture.  I'm not sure if this is one of those moments.  I guess we will see how it comes together in the end.

The only noise I hear right now besides the clicking of the keyboard is the clicking in the dryer.  It never fails that whatever I am drying seems to be noisy.  Today was laundry day and while I wish I could say I knocked the pile out that would be a lie.  I started with good intentions but I couldn't keep up the momentum to do any real damage.  I just switched over the load and I think I somehow managed to get fabric softener in my hair.  Ah the life of Wifus Domesticus or as Roseanne once put it "The Domestic Goddess".

So anyhow back to the randomness that is my mind.  I've been giving some thought to how people come in and out of my life.  I wonder if there is a pattern.  If I look back five years or even three some of the same people are no longer around.  From my perspective there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason.  But that doesn't say much.  I have learned through the years that everyone has their own realities and sometimes we aren't all on the same page.  Sometimes we aren't even reading the same books.

From time to time my insecurities start wearing on me and I do wonder if it was something I did or said.  I wonder if it's just easier to let the friendship fade away than confront me to say what it was I did.  My insecurities also like to point out that it's not only some of my friendships that have faded but also my Husbands.  Since we have been "together since the fifties" we have cycled through a few groups of friends and I wonder if it was something that his annoying girlfriend/fiance/wife said or did that put them off?

It's not something I lose sleep over because right now I have a rockin group of wonderful and supportive people that I am lucky enough to call my friends.  But it's something that I think about when things are quiet.

Chiari at Disneyland

I'll be honest, I was a little worried before we left.  I've been feeling pretty good but I was worried that with the fast pace that we usually it the park with that I would wear down quickly.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I actually felt pretty good at the park.  Being active makes me feel pretty good.  One of the key things is to have a great pillow to support my neck and the hotel had a great one.  I think I might actually call them and ask what kind of pillows they are.

One of my doctors is worried that at one point I will pass out.  And while I do have some typical Chiari  symptoms, I have never experienced passing out.  But now that she has mentioned it, it's now a fear stuck in the back of my head.  Whenever I go somewhere or do anything I have a constant fear that I will wake up on the floor.  I was really worried that I would pass out and ruin the trip I had spent so much time planning for.  I'm very glad that things went great and I felt pretty good.  The drive wore me out and gave me a headache but other than that I felt pretty good.

There were some things I wasn't able to do.  Roller coasters were definitely off the list, so no California Screamin for me.  Looking up at menus at restaurants was a bit difficult because I'm not supposed to look straight up but I figured out that if I stand back it puts less strain on my neck.

Taking lots of breaks was key.  Whenever I felt off I told myself that it was in my best interest to sit.  We actually hit up some great places to get our snack on while were were there and taking a break.  Every now and then I have to remind myself that there is other stuff to do other than the usual fun stuff we hit up when we are there.  Clover's favorite ride this time around seemed to be the Jungle Cruise.  She also said that she was a big fan of Space Mountain although she kept her head down during the entire ride.  In one of the pictures you can't even tell she is on the ride.  That was also a ride where I waited for them at the exit.

I was a little bummed at first that there were so many rides that I couldn't get on but there were so many new experiences and cute things that happened on the trip that made up for that.  Lots of cute stories to come but for now I need another cup of coffee.

Just Another Chapter In Our Never-Ending Story

3 years ago...

We really had no idea.  When asked, we confidently responded that we were prepared.  We really believed that we were.  The onsies were folded neatly in the dresser.  Diapers and wipes were stacked on the diaper changing table.  Powder and cream placed in the bins.  Phone numbers listed in order on the sheet for when the time came to make the calls of the joyous news.

I didn't worry about having a newborn.  I had years under my belt of taking care of kids.  It is of course what I have studied since I was 14.  Of course I was ready to have my own.  I laugh now about how much I didn't know.  

We patiently waited as the due date drew near.  All the fantasies of those TLC baby shows played in my head.  The perfect birth scenario was quickly changed by the recommendation of a C-section.  Hours later we came face to face with just how much we didn't know.

Our daughter was born with a tumor.  She was whisked off to the local Children's hospital.  While there she was taken care of by a great surgical team and lots of very caring nurses.  She was 9 lbs 1oz when she was born and 6 lbs 10 oz after surgery.      

She was born with a Sacrococcygeal teratoma.  Roughly translated a "monster tumor of the coccyx aka tailbone".  

My darling husband spent his time in two different cities at different hospitals visiting his girls and went home to an empty house at the end of the night.  I still to this day cant imagine the magnitude of how hard that was for him.  

We waited for the parade of visitors we had originally prepared ourselves for.  Even though what we were going through was hard we greeted the brave few with a smile.  I hold those who visited very dear to my heart.  

For three days I focused on getting out of the hospital and seeing my daughter.  That and the Carmel Delites that were in my gift basket that the hospital gave us.  Every year I buy a box specifically to have on her birthday.

Even though I was in mental shock there was one thing I was sure of.   I knew in my heart that my daughter was going to be fine.  After all she had been growing inside of me for months.  She had a power kick that would make any ninja action star jealous.  I knew that she was stronger than anyone gave her credit for.  Now days when she ends up sleeping next to me, I get bruises thanks to the power kicks.  Which is why the co-sleeping didn't work out.      

Thankfully, she was only in the hospital for six days.  The day that we took her home was one of the happiest days of my life.  Little did I know, our adventure was just about to begin.  As cliche as it sounds, adventure is pretty darn accurate.

Being a new parent is exciting, thrilling, scary and rough all at the same time.  We had so much to learn and in such a short time to soak it all in.  Everything that we bought sat on the shelf for a month.  Every time we had to change her we had to wash her down with soap and water until her little butt-butt had healed.  

We patiently sat in waiting rooms and waited to be called.  Preoccupied on the outside, fearful and scared on the inside.  Scared by each article we read online.  We believed that if we could knew more about SCT that maybe we wouldn't feel so helpless.  We endlessly searched for any piece of information that might help us understand what was happening.  Each Dr's visit went better than the last and we always left feeling better than when we entered.  

Between the diaper washing and the juggling our new rolls there were lots of sleepless hours spent wondering why?  It was my own personal internal struggle.  It took me a little while to figure out that sometimes there is no why.  

There just is.  

We leaned on each other, our family and a few friends.  We eventually learned how to stand on our own.  During a lot of dark moments, we held on to each other, a bit of faith and a spark of hope.  Until eventually that spark grew brighter and brighter until we could once again see the future.  

Three years later, I have learned that we truly are stronger than we ever thought possible.  We have learned how to pull together and face whatever life hands us.  

Not only have we survived, but we have thrived.              

As her birthday approaches this year I noticed that it seems a bit different.  I seem more reminiscent than apprehensive.  Time has seemed to take a little more of the sting out of the memories.  Her birthday is such a joyous occasion for us.  But it also happens to be the anniversary of her surgery and the start of this adventure.  

Things have calmed down a bit since that day three years ago. Now we find ourselves worrying about regular kids stuff.  Bumped heads, skinned knees, her fear of dogs all fit into this category.  At times it's nerve wracking but at the same time we take comfort in the fact that it's all normal.  Every three months we worry about her routine blood test but then after we get the results, everything goes back to the somewhat crazy routine.  

I have to say that I find myself just as amazed by my daughter now as I was three years ago.  Most parents gush about their children…but I am truly in awe of her.  Her strength continues to astonish me.  Her emerging personality surprises me at times and leaves me bewildered.  We are constantly impressed by her ability to go with the flow.  She is always up for another adventure.  

We never thought we would find ourselves so preoccupied by something so little.  

I never thought I would find myself so preoccupied by poop.  

We never thought we would find ourselves so wrapped around the little finger of that amazing curly red haired cutie! 

Like I said before…

We really had no idea!