Monday, January 23, 2012

The Stress Of It All

Over a month ago, I had a dizzy spell while driving.  It was scary.  This started a lengthy journey.  I've been to over six doctors to try and figure out what is going on.  Seven vials of blood and a 24 hour heart monitor later, I still look good on paper.  I am thankful that every test is coming back just fine.  There are some things I need to discuss with my doctor that showed up on my MRI.  I got the results back over the phone but I don't have my appointment until next Friday.  My neurologist comforted me by telling me that everything on my MRI has more than likely been there all a long.

Last week I rounded out my long list of doctors by seeing an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor.  He was very nice.  He also specializes in Vertigo.  He seems to think that my episode was stress related.  Which at this point makes sense.  He was the first doctor to even suggest that it could have been stress.

But here is the thing...knowing that it's stress doesn't seem to make me calm down at all.  I would think that finally realizing what was causing my episodes would make me feel better.  I feel slightly comforted finding a reason but how do I decrease my stress levels?

I didn't think I was stressed to begin with.  I've always been a worrier.  I've always stressed about the littlest stuff.  I've always been able to handle it.  And for a few seconds a month and a half ago, my mind told my body that I couldn't handle it.  It sent my world spinning.  Literally.

So now I am at a point where I am trying to figure out how to fix it.  Do I see another doctor?  Do I try and handle it myself?  I already know I don't want to be on medication but I long for days where I felt somewhat normal.  I long for days where I don't feel like I am losing my mind.  I have hope that those days are again right around the corner.  For now I am working on getting behind the wheel again.  I never really thought about driving.  It wasn't my favorite activity but I always loved my Rojo Grande.  I loved my independence and being able to meet my friends and have playmates or just go and do something fun with my daughter just for the heck of it.  Now even the idea of driving sends my heart rate up.  The thought of getting behind the wheels makes me clench up.  I know it was stress and I know I'm a great driver but all the sudden I am petrified and scared to drive.  It sucks.  I don't even think I was this scared when I started driving when I was 17.  

During this tough time I have figured out that it hasn't all been a wash.  I have found that I can lean on people and still be who I am.  I am thankful for my friends that don't mind driving us around and thankful for my own Mom who has stepped up to help me out with Clover and driving me to my many appointments.  I am thankful for my husband who listens to me babble and finds a way to make me smile.

Music helps and I have had this song practically on auto repeat.  Don't Give Up by Darren Hayes.  Aren't you surprised?  You can listen to it here on Grooveshark or head to iTunes and buy it there.

Once again I am leaning on my positive outlook on things to help get me through this.  Can't wait to feel like I am normal again.  One of these days.

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