Another Chapter: We Bought a Cake!

It's probably something that someone should never have to buy a cake for.  We wanted to celebrate.  It's not necessarily the end of our journey but it is a milestone that we wanted to celebrate.  To us it's kind of a big deal.

It says "Yay No More AFP Tests!"

Clover got to pick the cake out and she wanted the chocolate chocolate cake with the pretty pretty flowers on it.  I wanted to draw a needle with the big NO sign through it but it would have gotten lost in all the pretty pretty flowers.

Thursday we got the call that her Tumor markers were down.  They have been down for awhile but we were still testing to make sure.  The doctor said last year that we were testing too often to this was the first test we had done in six months.  Since they have been down she said we should stop testing all together.

It is great news and a huge deal for us.

Our little roller coast ride started when my darling Clover was born.    

Every month for the first two years of her life we spent an hour in a lab waiting to get her blood taken.  It was a monthly ritual that I dreaded.  The first time we went to lab at our local Children's hospital only to find out that they didn't take our insurance.  They told us that any of the labs on under our insurance should be able to get her blood taken.  This proved easier said than done.  I went to a lab that said they were capable of taking blood from a newborn.  I held my daughter down as the tech tried to take her blood.  The needle was so large that if she missed she was going to push that thing right through my baby's arm.  She tried four times and then yelled at me because I wasn't holding my screaming baby the way she wanted me too.  I went home and balled.  During our check up with our surgeon I told him about the trouble I was having finding a lab and he told me how important it was to get her tested and then said he would call the insurance for me.  I gave it one more shot and called every lab in the town and asked them if they had specifically pediatric experience.  I found one guy.  He was able to take her blood with one poke and with a much smaller needle.  He was our guy from then on and I would call every month to find out if he was in and if he wasn't in when he would be in.  Once a month I practically stalked him.

When her first test was taken her AFP numbers where in the 400's.  A normal person's is under 35.  They steadily went down until she was ten months where they mysteriously spiked.  They went from 127 to 215.  Our small team jumped into action and scheduled an MRI to look for signs of growth.  Handing my daughter over to the nurses was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do.  We waited for hours in the waiting room.  When we got the call back that there was nothing there we were a bit surprised.  They could never explain the spike in her markers.  We were also a bit taken back when they said that she possibly had a collapsed lung.  At first I stressed out but then staring at daughter I knew she didn't have a collapsed lung because she was very good at letting me know when she wasn't happy.  She has always been a very loud child.  There was no way she wasn't using both of her lungs.  We went back for an X-ray and hearing her yell about putting her down on the X-ray table the tech told me that as loud as she was she probably didn't have a collapsed lung.  I laughed.  I already knew that.  They called back and said that it was probably due to shallow breathing due to the anesthesia.  She was fine.

Before she was three they said that we were testing too often and that we could back down to every three months.  This was good news to me.  It meant that I would only have to stress out every three months instead of twice a month.  Once to go and get her test and then the three days after waiting for the results.

As she got older she become very curious about the blood test.  At one point she told everyone she wanted to be a doctor.  There was one time where she was so interested in what the Phlebotomist was doing that she didn't notice that she was getting poked.  That was the only time she didn't cry.  I think I felt worse.  I felt like had gotten so used to it.  I took her to go and get ice cream because I felt so bad.

We've always been very honest with her about what happened.  She was very curious at a young age to why she had to go to the doctors office and the lab so often.  We told her that she was born with a large tumor on her butt-butt and that she had surgery on the day she was born, and that the blood tests were to make sure that it wasn't coming back.  She seems okay with that explanation.

Last year her numbers were under 18 but would bounce around a bit.  The doctor didn't seemed to worried about it since they were still under 35.  She consulted an Oncologist who said that once again we were testing too often and to wait six months this time.  She also said that if her numbers were still down this next time around that we would be done with testing.  Fast forward to last week where they were down.

There was a big collective "Yaaaaaaaaaaay" and a chocolate chocolate cake with pretty pretty flowers.  I know that this is always going to be something that we have to check up on but it's nice to have it in the background and not having to constantly worry about it.  It's nice to worry about normal kid stuff like making sure the slice of cake she gets isn't TOO large!  Not that it really matters, she only eats the frosting anyways.                

It's Spring...Kinda?

We basically get two seasons around these parts...Winter and Summer.  Fall and Spring are usually two week intervals in-between.  Several factors have led me to believe that Spring had visited these parts.  One is the bees are buzzing.  The second is that the birds have begun to nest.  EVERYWHERE.

Guess we won't be using the ladder anytime soon.

We used to have ceiling fans on the back porch and I kid you not, every year one or two not so bright birds would try to nest in the fans...while they were moving.  I would just shake my head in disbelief.  We took those down this year so I thought we were out of Birdfest 2012.  I was wrong.  While cleaning up the back and the side of the house we looked over and saw that something was watching us back.  I really hope that the wild cats in the hood fail to notice that she's there.  I would hate to think that one of those cats could just climb up the ladder to his lunch.

Also making an appearance this Spring...

We observed this little guy for awhile in the front yard.  One of Clover's latest interests is the snails in the yard.  She calls them her friends.  She will touch the shell but if it starts to move she will scream and run away.  It was in the process of charging Granny and the whole neighborhood heard her scream that it was going to get her.  Maybe...if she didn't move...for like a month.  We also learned an important scientific fact while observing our snail pal.  Snails poop.  Everyone/thing does.  There was that book written about it.  I guess I missed the page about the snail.  He pooped in the yard.  Oh the joys of Spring!

Not Your Normal Adventure

We just got back from whirl wind trip of the Bay area.  I didn't even drive (because of my screwed up head) but I am exhausted.  I sat in the passenger seat and pretended I was being useful by pointing out all the bicyclists.  And holy moly there where a LOT of them!  Everywhere!  I have met my "spandex" quota for life!

Friday we were stoked because we were off on our little girl's trip to see Jenny Lawson.  You know from The Bloggess!  To say that we were off for an adventure would be putting it lightly!  We were prepared though.  Not only did we have a GPS, along with Google Maps on two devices but we also had directions printed...on paper.  Getting there was no big deal.  Driving around in the Marin/Mill Valley/Larkspur/Corte Madera area was another story.  Back home we have these nice little road signs that tell us things.  Like the big yellow signs that say LANE ENDS, and because we are oh so smart here we have another yellow sign after that with a very simple picture of that said lane ending!  It's like someone was playing a really mean practical joke on us and stole all those signs in that area right before we got there!  It seemed like every lane we were in seemed to end.  Then there was that whole mountain like detour we took on the roads that were only wide enough for one car!  

We managed to find our way.

Because who doesn't travel with their own stuffed animals.  Okay these were at once alive but whatever.  The small one in the apron is Juanita just in case you were wondering.  

We still got there on time and manage to reserve a seat!  I felt a little guilty about bringing Clover to book signing with several adult themes but she was off in her own little world with her new book and her travel magna-doodle.  I know that she was in her own little world because there were several words that she is good at pointing out that we shouldn't say and she didn't manage to hear any of them.  She snapped out of it when we got in line to get our books signed and wanted her book signed too.  Her Olivia book!  Which Jenny signed because Clover asked her and she even drew a little kitty in it.  Clover was also very concerned that Hamlet Von Schnitzel was missing.  Jenny kindly told her that he broke his leg and then Clover's face got all scrunched up and she also added that he was okay and they were getting him tiny crutches and she felt a lot better.

My very first book signing!

  

Since we were all feeling great about the night we decided to hit up some of the activities back at the hotel and ended our evening at the fire pit with some yummy S'mores!

The next day turned out to be an adventure of it's own which is why it is reserved for its very own post.  

   

The Place You Thought Of As Home

I've been reading Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson.  If you aren't offended by anything on her blog then you will love this book.  I will admit that I did take the jacket cover off to read it in front of my mom.  I love it!  There are so many moments where I am caught in a guffaw.  My husband looks at me like I'm nuts and my mom kept asking me what was so funny.  All I can answer with is "uuuhhh".  Not that my mom isn't hip or with it...I just think that she might not find the stories involving cow vaginas all that funny.

I haven't found the time to make it all the way through the book but I am making as big of a dent as much as I can.  Although there are a ton of funny moments there are some moments where it gets a bit serious.  It balances out nicely.

I found myself connecting with a certain section of the book where Jenny talks about going home as an adult.  Going home only to find that place wasn't the same anymore.  Although she wanted it to change, when it did, it wasn't what she wanted.  Not only did I fully understand what she was talking about, I got it.  I found that part hitting a little close to home.

I lived a moment very similar to that.  Where I realized that a place I called home, was no longer what I remembered.

My parents wanted me to come out to my Grandparents property and help clean up some stuff.  Being about six month pregnant at the time I couldn't do very much except drive which was what they wanted anyways since I had an Element I had the biggest car.  I didn't want to go.  I knew I didn't want to go but for the sake of being a team player I went.  I spent a lot of the time sitting on my tailgate staring.

My Grandparents had a piece of property in one of those "blink and you'll miss it" kind of towns.  It had a school and a fruit stand and a restaurant that got reincarnated every time it caught on fire.

When I was little no matter where we lived it always seemed like there was five of us and one bathroom.  So if the offer was thrown down to go out in the country where there was space, I didn't hesitate.  My Grandparents house was one of my favorite places as a kid.

There was space.  It always seemed like there was plenty of time, but at the same time the weekend always went by way to fast.  This place that I remember in my head is where I am transported too when I smell Oak trees.  My parents were married under one of the towering Oaks.  I always felt connected to it even as a kid because in my mind had they not gotten married under that tree there would be no me.  It was that little kid reasoning that made sense at the time.  Along with time and space there was independence.  Left to our own devices there was a million things to do.

At the time I never realized that our family didn't have a lot of money.  We always felt spoiled when we went to my Grandmothers.  She made us home made french fries from real potatoes and always had those hot dogs that had the cheese in the middle.  She made home made pies and fresh apple butter.  We always thought we were helping when we would pit cherries but I think in the end we ate more than our fair share.  I find myself repeating to my daughter that if eats too much fruit she's going to get sick but I think that was Grandma's way of keeping us out of the pie fodder.

She always seemed to keep busy while we played and explored.  I have to wonder if she was amazed that we made it back in the house every night.  We pushed each other on bikes, rode scooters and played with bones of old go carts.  The monkey bars were used as dare devices to see who would jump off the top.  We played as a group with our cousins or broke off and explored on our own.  One day I decided that I was going to mash up all the acorns I could gather.  I spent time fashioning a home made mortar and pestle out of rocks and went to work.  I mashed up all the acorns I could find and took a bite.  It was gross.  I guess I skipped that part in American History where they discussed leaching the acorns.  In my kid mind I couldn't give up what had seemed like hours of work.  I decided that sugar was my only option.  So in the house I went and out I came with a cup full of sugar.  I added and mashed some more and then decided to ask for help.  Grandma helped fill in the blanks.  She was the smartest person I knew.

Looking back I'm amazed that we made it back in the house every night.  It wasn't just the property that seemed spacious it was the house too.  The house wasn't huge but it was way bigger than anything I had ever been in.  It had two bathrooms and a closet that was big enough to play hide and seek in.  Not to mention a huge bathtub.  For half of my childhood our one tiny bathroom only housed a shower.  I would try to plug the drain with a wash rag and pretend that the two inches of water was a tub.  When I was at Grandmas I didn't have to pretend I was in the tub.  I pretended it was a swimming pool.  And to the younger me...it was.

When we would play hide and seek I would always hide under my Grandmother's quilting loom which was almost always out and displaying her latest work in progress.  She hand made everything from dolls to bed quilts.  It's where I get my love of crafting from.  I have one blanket that she made for me and it's in dire need of repair.  One day I hope to know enough about quilting to fix it.  For now it sits as one of the many reminders of how much she loved me.  It's one of the many reminders of how much I loved that place.  That place that only exists as a memory now.  I wish that when I was younger I would have taken more picture.  Not that I had access to a camera back then.  When you are young you never in a million years think that a place you love so much might cease to exist.

And there I was sitting on the back of my tail gate coming to terms with that fact.  Things had happened and the property was in disarray.  The house had been torn down with the excuse that eventually a new road was coming through.  I knew in my head that all this had happened.  I couldn't bring myself to see it.  Even when we drove on the main road I couldn't look down the side street.  I wasn't ready to let go.  So when I found myself there on that chilly afternoon all I could do was stare.  I had my hand on my stomach  while my baby girl kicked me from the inside and I was even more saddened by the fact that she would never know this place.  Even if I cherry picked the happy memories and let go of everything else.  She would never know the Oak tree.  At the time I excused it as pregnancy hormones.  I couldn't let myself accept what I was feeling.  My husband came by and held my hand.  There was no way I could describe to him what I was experiencing.  I think he understood.  He didn't say much.  He just held my hand and stared out the back with me.

So when Jenny described what it was like for her to lose that place, even if it was just a fictional place, it clicked.  I understood that I was in mourning.  Now that I get that, I can work on getting over the loss of the place I thought of as home.    

Every. Single. Time!

It never fails.  It's almost predictable.  I have lost count of how many times it has happened.

The grill caught on fire...again.

The first time we freaked out and grabbed the baking soda.  This time I feel as if I am a pro.  Hubby didn't even bother to get out of his chair while Clover was yelling that the grill caught on fire again.  Whenever the Hubs grills burgers you can bet that the next time we fire it up it at some point, sport some flames.  And not the cool racer kind on the side either.  I thought I was safe this time and I bought the lowest fat content I could find but I was wrong.  I preheated the grill to grill up some chicken tonight since it was nice outside and five minutes later the grill was on fire.  I put it out like the pro I am and finished dinner.  Now I am just sitting here wondering if I will get the blame for catching it on fire yet again.  

Words That Are Not My Own

Sometimes it is easier to use someone else's words when it's hard to form your own.  Situations present themselves.  Situations which are not easy to deal with.  I am once again a benchwarmer for these situations are not my own.  But my heart goes out, I want to do something.  I want to help but there isn't anything I can do at the present moment in time.  So I am here, to listen or to read.  Like I have said before I am a good listener.  I also like to think of myself as comedic relief.  


So today's words that are not my own...


Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation. - Brian Tracy


and on Humor


Through humor,  you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers.  And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. - Bill Cosby 

Let's Chill

It's no secret that anxiety along with stress and I are on a first name basis.  I am always weary about what's around the next corner.  To the point where it keeps me up at night.  Everything is good right now, but I find myself having a hard time enjoying it.  Fear sometimes keeps me grounded.  So as we headed to the beach on Sunday to get some much needed family time, I had a nice little conversation with myself.  I felt the anxiety, stress and fear penetrate my armor.  I looked out the window and started to stress over what was around the next corner, figuratively and literally.  Then out of nowhere this voice that was so tiny, got stronger.  Not to mention louder.

Chill Out and Shut It!

Message received.  Loud and clear.      

I'm glad I listened.  I had an awesome weekend.  I spent some time with some good friends and spent a lovely Sunday with the two loves of my life.  Even today I started to feel anxious and gently reminded myself to chill out.  So far it seems to be working.  I'm sure it wont always so for now I am enjoying my time.  Clover is tucked in bed.  Hubs is teaching his online class and I have two free hours to do whatever I want.  Enjoying a nice glass of California Raspberry and a Brie cheese platter with dried cherries and pecans.  Not to mention I have full control of the remote!  

People in General

What part of life confuses you the most?

In one word..People.  People in general confuse me the most.  I don't understand them and even if I think I understand some, they switch it up and I am standing there with a big question mark hovering above my head.

At one point in my life I considered going into psychology.  If to do nothing else but help me understand the people I knew.  But after a little more consideration I decided that it wasn't worth four to six more years of school.  Especially when a lot of "theories" were followed by phrases like "varies depending on situation/person".  

I know life is pretty hard at times.  Even if you are the stereotypical good girl and keep it on the straight and narrow, life can still be pretty tough.  So it confuses me to why some people would purposely do things to complicate life.  I don't understand how people can get so wrapped up in themselves to where they don't see the pain that they cause by their actions or words.  Do they not care?  Do they not see it?  Do you justify it to yourself?  I guess you never really know until you are in that person's shoes.  So here I sit.  Confused as ever.     

Bonus: What part of life confuses you the least? 

Love.  People do a lot of crazy things in the name of love.  Or at least they say it's in the name of love.  Love is one of those things that just makes sense to me.  Maybe because I've been in love with the same guy since I was 15.  Not to say that it's been a giant slap of chocolate cake.  Like any couple we have had our ups and downs.  Through all of it, I never question who I will be warming my cold feet on in the middle of the night cuz I know he will be laying right next to me in his white hanes ankle socks.

Love just makes sense to me because it's something that I feel and do my best to express.  I love my family, my husband, our adorable red headed almost three year old.  I have an immense love for my friends, the ocean, coffee, flip flops, my macs, pop music and the place where the mouse lives.

The one part of love that confuses me is the fact that people feel the need to argue about it.  So again, here I sit.  Confused as ever.  

Utter Frustration

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.
Pope John XXIII

I have people around me that are currently going through sucky stuff.  All different people from different parts of my life.  All different situations.  These are situations of which I have no control.  I am not involved, but...I am a problem solver and a worrier.  I don't like to see people go through such bad spots in life.   

I want to help.

I want to fix things.

I can't.

There is nothing that I can do.

And that feeling has left me...

utterly frustrated.

To be honest I am about five seconds away from baking up about eight dozen Chocolatey Cuppycakes and start makin deliveries.  I know in my head that a cupcake wont solve anything...but maybe it might make me feel better.